Financial abuse as a form of manipulation
A term that is still relatively new to many, yet describes a manipulative situation that has existed for a very long time.
Domestic abuse encompasses a broad spectrum and can affect those involved both physically and psychologically. Psychological domestic abuse includes, among other forms, financial abuse.
It is a partial aspect that can nonetheless be found in a great many toxic — that is, harmful — relationships. According to the Federal Ministry of the Interior, those affected are primarily women, but also children and people in need of care.
In cases of financial abuse, the financial resources of those affected are deliberately restricted by a person from their close environment. “The old saying still applies: you don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Perpetrators know this.”
This creates a vicious circle in which the victim’s dependence on the perpetrator is further reinforced. Many victims are not aware of this dynamic. They are humiliated and discriminated against to such an extent that it can even come to seem normal to them not to have free access to shared finances.
There are various warning signs through which financial abuse can become apparent.
- Control: Those affected have no access to bank accounts.
- Exploitation: Debts are accumulated in the name of the affected person.
- Sabotage: This includes being forbidden to earn an independent income.
- Abuse after separation: Maintenance or support payments are withheld.
Victims are left without an independent income and are dependent on their partners even for everyday expenses. The resulting inequality can become an additional trigger in abusive relationships, as the balance of power shifts clearly towards the perpetrator. Money is also used as a form of punishment. For example, if maintenance payments are withheld after a separation, those affected are forced to support themselves under difficult conditions or to take legal action.
Comment by Gregor Schäfer.
In the Western industrialised world, feminism and the ongoing pursuit of equality conveyed a clear message to women at an early stage: make yourself independent! The younger women are, the more likely they are to be independent and to invest the energy needed to remain so.
Within marriage, where the accumulation of assets increasingly plays a role, this balance can shift again. In Germany, however, maintenance law tends to work in favour of women. Child maintenance and pension equalisation are also regulated here, offering comparatively good prospects when contrasted with countries from which many migrants have fled.
And this is precisely where the core problem lies due to a lack of knowledge: many women with a migration background, for cultural reasons, are not aware of these potential forms of financial independence, or only to a limited extent.
In my work as a coach, I have also encountered German women who chose to forgo full child maintenance rather than engage in conflict with their ex-partner. For many years. Many, many thousands of euros — five figures — simply to ensure that the ex would not become angry. The deal looked like this: had she demanded the money she was entitled to, he would have stopped speaking to her and would have taken it out on the children through distance and ghosting. She preferred “no trouble”.
As women tend to make up the majority of victims, I would like to explicitly address the few male victims by referring to two examples.
Unfortunately, I have also witnessed financial “starvation” in the case of a man. He had married into a wealthy family — the daughter of an industrialist. With the support of her partner, later her husband, the daughter became self-employed. The man supported her and consistently helped build her up, yet he was never employed in her company, as he himself had a job.
Before long, his wife was earning three times as much as he did. Due to her bipolar disorder, she squandered money during manic phases, but also used it as emotional compensation during depressive phases. When their son was born, the husband gave up his job in order to more or less take on the role of a stay-at-home father, and to continue supporting his wife, as the potential for earning lay with her. However, she invested nothing in renovating the old house, into which the man put every last cent. She also stopped buying food for the family. She ate out at restaurants every day, while the man cooked at home for himself and their two-year-old son.
He used up all his savings and bled dry financially. These situations do exist — cases in which men are victims as well, even if they are rare.
In couples counselling and marriage counselling, the topic of money — access to it and unequal valuation — is very often an issue. A highly destructive one. This is why it is essential to speak openly about the figures at an early stage.
In another case, I worked with a couple in which she earned significantly more than he did as a teacher. Due to her civil servant status, she bought a flat, which she financed herself. She expected him to take care of arranging for them to move in together. Ideally, she wanted a house.
However, she did not want to move into his house because he had once lived there with another partner. And her flat was too small.
Her position was that she would not take on a second loan and that he should therefore finance a new home on his own. He could rent out his house to cover the repayments. When asked what she would do with her own flat if she moved out, she replied, “I will use the rental income to pay off my loan more quickly.”
In plain terms: the man was expected to take out a loan so that they could move in together, allowing her to rent out her flat and use the surplus not to finance a shared project, but to improve and accelerate her own financial position. Poor man — almost blinded by love, he very nearly agreed.
Having children is also very much influenced by financial considerations. In Germany, the Düsseldorfer Tabelle, together with spousal maintenance regulations, is structured in such a way that it can be highly disadvantageous for a man unless he is financially well above the upper middle class.
In order to avoid conflict, I always recommend a prenuptial agreement that clearly regulates mutual maintenance obligations as well as the gains and losses arising from a marriage.
In couples coaching, I often observe that at least one partner does not speak openly about the numbers.
Unfortunately, the handling of money — and the withholding of it — is often a gradual, creeping process.
Mistrust emerges.
This is something we address in couples therapy with Gregor Schäfer and Carolin Sieling.
