Communication in a partnership

Every partnership goes through highs and lows. When the lows begin to outweigh the highs, harmony starts to break down.

Poor communication within a relationship leads to toxic and destructive situations. This is where the following roadmap can help.

by Gregor Schäfer:

Disharmony pulls at you — you can feel how the situation is draining your energy.

But what exactly is it that costs so much “energy”?

The constant thinking about the situation and about your partner makes it harder to focus on anything else — work, family, or other people, for example. These additional thoughts around the problem become a distraction. You notice it most clearly at work. Colleagues — or even your boss — sense “carelessness”, “lack of focus”, bad moods. Your thoughts keep circling around the conflict, and it paralyses you.

As a “man”, I tend to look at this pragmatically and rationally: there has to be a quick solution. You want to get rid of the energy-draining stressor. There are two paths: communication or escape.

The latter is not the preferred option — but it isn’t automatically the wrong one either.

I often hear women say that their partners “run away”, that they avoid confrontation.

Why do they do that?

A man may withdraw not because he doesn’t want a solution, but because he may feel that his partner’s (the woman’s) way of solving the problem is not the right one. He may believe that no satisfying solution will be found because the partner is operating on an emotional level. On that level, objectivity is difficult, and verbal mistakes are especially likely to happen. From a typically male perspective, withdrawal is therefore seen as the better alternative — before the situation escalates emotionally or even “explodes”. Men are generally physically stronger, and an emotional explosion can lead to violence. Many men are aware that, in a state of anger, they might become physically aggressive — and therefore choose to retreat.

More emotionally mature women (partners) have learned to recognise and accept this dynamic. Whether they truly respect it is another question.

And yet… simply “sitting it out” is not the solution. Endurance and the attitude of “we don’t talk about problems” drill deep, subtle holes into the soul over time.

The better solution, then, is to learn how to communicate properly. Arguing is part of every relationship — no question about that. But learning how to argue well takes skill and practice. Without it, a partnership will sooner or later — sometimes even in the medium term — fall apart.

Anyone who seeks contact while holding onto resentment will not find a peaceful solution!

An experienced, spiritually minded man once told me that when his much younger partner begins carefully putting together accusations, he asks her fairly early on what her goal actually is — whether she is in the process of tying a rope and intends to put it around his neck.

I found this example and this approach very vivid and effective.

In couples counselling, I often hear — or almost exclusively observe — that partners enter confrontation without a clearly defined goal. In such cases, from a human, evolutionary perspective — it’s wired into us — there is only one aim: to land a blow on the other person. I call it the “accusation club” with which one wants to strike the partner down. Very similar to the rope. The goal is to point the finger at the other, to be able to say “But you!”, to convince them that they are wrong and you are right — and, on top of that, to have them kneeling afterwards, begging for forgiveness.

I listen to one partner’s account of the conflict (or to both), and then I ask… “What was your goal in that moment? Did you want harmony and peace, or did you want to show the other person that they were at fault? To ‘subdue’ them in that moment?”

The honest answer is usually: “In that moment, I wanted to show my partner who was right, who was stronger and who was weaker — who was justified and who wasn’t, who was to blame.” Even if people don’t like to admit it, it is often about being right.

Sometimes it is necessary to convince the other person that you are right (please do so factually, on a rational level, with clear arguments and without emotions).

But when it too often becomes about who is the loser and who is the winner, a permanent battlefield emerges. On that battlefield, there is no harmony, no real love — and no future.

This is what we call a “toxic relationship”.

When a person feels hurt and, in order to regain inner peace, feels the need to put the other person down, to devalue or insult them, this is a character trait often found in narcissism. That does not mean that everyone who shows one or two such traits is automatically a narcissist — but it can be an indicator. Only the interaction of several components may, under certain circumstances, lead to such a diagnosis.

More information on this can also be found here: https://causeresearch.com/narzissmus-erkennen/

How quickly — and how often — a person feels hurt depends on their mindset. I often see people feeling “attacked” far too easily. This is often rooted in a lack of self-worth. The causes usually begin in early childhood and are closely linked to the family environment. A later partner may then end up paying the price for an unresolved inner conflict that the other person is still carrying with their parents — or with one parent in particular.

One thing is absolutely essential: when a conflict arises, both partners should first clarify what the goal of the upcoming conversation is meant to be. If the clearly defined goal for both is a compromise, then discussion, debate, lamenting and defining positions are all allowed — in other words, it is acceptable to argue.

Now something else happens… as the argument unfolds, we are likely to leave the rational level and step into the emotional one. We start tying ropes and using clubs. And it is precisely at this moment that each of us can ask ourselves: does the path that I — or “we” — are taking actually lead to the goal? The goal of harmony, the goal of a solution, the goal of finding a compromise, the goal where there are no losers? The goal of a shared future? With what I am doing right now (accusing, insulting), am I moving towards the goal, or away from it? Is it more important to me to portray the other person as the one at fault than to actually reach the goal? What do I achieve with clubs and ropes? A solution? Harmony? Love? How does the person opposite me react to clubs and ropes? Have I just lost my way on the path towards the intended goal (agreement, harmony) without really wanting to — or was that exactly what I wanted? Did I actually want to strike the other person?

When that very feeling dominates — the urge to blame the other person, to “attack” them so that they change (so that he or she does what I want) — there are only two options. Either you change your own patterns of thinking and behaviour (your mindset) and, by doing so, possibly save the relationship — or it simply no longer fits. In that case, you separate.

People evolve. Between the ages of 20 and 30, but also between 30 and 40, and even between 60 and 70. Sometimes what once fitted at the beginning no longer does after five years, ten years, or even twenty-five. In those moments, the rope and the club should be put aside. And yet, I often witness how the fighting continues regardless. People have grown used to the battlefield — it has almost become their home. Two true warriors who simply cannot stop. The fight has become their life, even though, inwardly, they have already separated from one another.

Many people do not truly want to separate, because separation feels like the harder path. Instead, they choose the path of least resistance… and the battlefield and the “enemy” are familiar territory. Safer than stepping onto new, unknown paths. That is frightening. Fear is a horrible feeling. And so they keep clashing, until the beams are about to break…

Communication, unfortunately, depends on several parameters, and its quality fluctuates under many different influences. There are relationships in which both partners consume a great deal of alcohol, sometimes even struggling with dependency. I have observed that conflicts almost inevitably arise once people are drunk. Another factor can be project work, too much responsibility, too much workload — all of which can make a person “thin-skinned” and emotionally reactive.

Medication also plays a role — just as illnesses do, such as depression.

There is another aspect many people simply do not have on their radar. Women, under normal circumstances, experience menstruation every month. PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome) can manifest through very different symptoms.

Severe lower abdominal pain, intense migraines… these are widely known and generally accepted.

What is far less known are changes in personality, which can, among other things, be reflected in increased aggressiveness. Some affected women become “combative”, spending the period from around four days before until two days after the onset of menstruation almost exclusively tying ropes and swinging the club of accusation. During these phases, the partner can hardly do anything right.

As a result, intense arguments occur month after month. Afterwards, the affected person often feels deep regret — it was the hormones. And this is something that can be treated. If lady’s mantle tea and progesterone cream are not sufficient, professional advice from a gynaecologist can be sought. In very severe cases, antidepressants can also be helpful.

Here is a link for further information:

https://pms-symptome.com/pms-symptome-und-aggressionen/

At some point, the climacteric phase arrives, and this too can have an impact on the way we communicate. By the way, men are also subject to hormonal fluctuations. The so-called “change of life” exists in both sexes.

The solution, therefore, is to take the underlying causes of the way communication unfolds into account as well. If my wife is experiencing PMS, am I able to tolerate that? If my husband is under professional pressure or struggling with fears, can I see that context?

Once the background situation has been acknowledged, one principle still applies above all else: defining the goal. Do I want to keep my partner — or do I want to knock them down? Will they flee, or will they fight alongside me? What do I need to do so that they stay and fight — and what should I avoid doing so that they do not run away?

Tags: Marriage counselling and couples counselling in Hesse, relationship counselling & conflict counselling, couples coaching, marriage counselling Bad Hersfeld