How attachment style separates — and brings together. A key topic in the marriage counselling work of Gregor Schäfer
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Every person develops a blueprint for relationships in childhood — the so-called attachment style. Even decades later, it continues to shape which couples find happiness together.
Almost all of us are looking for it: true love. Some find it. Some search for it all their lives — and still never do. They believe they’ve simply been unlucky in love. But behind repeatedly failing relationships, there can be something else at play: fear of attachment. Typical signs include pulling away just when a relationship becomes closer, more intimate, more committed. Or only finding others attractive when they’re unavailable — for example, because they’re married or show no interest at all.
How is attachment style measured?
Developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth (1913–1999) observed young children in a standardised behavioural experiment known as the “Strange Situation Test”: How do they react when their primary caregiver leaves the room and they are left alone with a stranger? And how do they behave when their caregiver returns? There is no equivalent test for older children or adults. Instead, they provide insight into their attitudes towards relationships through interviews such as the “Adult Attachment Interview” or through questionnaires.
In the 1980s, US researchers Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver transferred childhood attachment styles to patterns of romantic relationships in adults. The core idea: if children do not experience their caregivers as warm and reliable, this can affect their relationships later in life. Dr Eva Neumann, a clinical psychologist at Bochum University Hospital, researches how attachment experiences in childhood are linked to relationships in adulthood. “People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable in close relationships and are able to trust,” says Neumann. Insecure attachment, on the other hand, can lead some people to display anxious, closeness-seeking behaviour — they cling to their partner — while others avoid closeness altogether. “People with a high level of avoidance tend to keep their partner at a distance and emphasise independence within the relationship,” Neumann explains. In essence, they have deactivated their attachment system as a form of self-protection. Their motto: I don’t need anyone. Some of them remain single for life — even when they are technically in a relationship.
Studies show that couples often come together in two typical constellations: either both partners are securely attached — which accounts for around 50 per cent of couples — or both are insecurely attached, usually one avoidant and one anxious. According to Neumann, these couples often find themselves trapped in a vicious cycle: the more one person seeks closeness, the more the other pulls away — and vice versa. Typically, it is the woman who clings, while the man avoids intimacy. This pattern may be rooted in long-standing gender stereotypes: striving for independence aligns more closely with the traditional male role, while dependency is more often associated with the female one.
According to Israeli sociologist Eva Illouz, fear of attachment also has social roots. She traces reluctance to commit back to the unequal positions of men and women:
“If we gave women power and money, made them heads of state, and had men serve coffee at conferences, raise the children and cook dinner — then it would be the men longing for a stable, monogamous relationship.”
Out of this imbalance, apparently, particularly stable bonds can emerge. In the 1990s, US researchers assessed the attachment styles of 354 heterosexual couples and then followed up three years later to ask about their relationship status. Surprisingly, avoidant men and anxious women formed the most stable relationships — even though they were not particularly satisfied. Relationships between securely attached men and women proved more satisfying, but less enduring. As for pairings of two anxious or two avoidant partners, the researchers found none at all — simply because such couples did not exist in their sample.
A stable partnership does not necessarily mean that the people involved are happy. In fact, that could be a reason to consider separation — yet many are afraid of being alone. Attachment researcher Eva Neumann therefore only conditionally advises separation: namely when alcohol, other addictions, or violence are involved. If that is not the case, the most important question becomes: Is life as a single person really the better option for me?
Psychologists Franz Neyer and Christine Finn from the University of Jena have also explored what makes a relationship last. Over a period of seven years, they regularly surveyed around 2,000 couples about their relationships. As the research group reported in 2020, 16 per cent separated during the course of the study. The very beginning of a relationship already offered clues about its future course: couples who started out unhappy usually became even more unhappy over time and separated sooner. The best prognosis was found among partners with a similarly strong need for closeness — in the sense that they granted each other comparable freedom while still pursuing their own interests. Couples were more likely to stay together when they managed to strike a balance between intimacy and independence.
“Anxiously attached individuals try to create emotional bonding through sexuality.”
(Guy Bodenmann, Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Zurich))
With fear of attachment, this becomes more difficult. Guy Bodenmann, couples therapist and Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Zurich, speaks of a self-fulfilling prophecy: “An anxious person often chooses someone who confirms their negative experiences.” Finding the right balance between closeness and distance is extremely demanding for those affected. Even before entering a relationship, they already expect it to fail — because they do not see themselves as lovable.
To overcome these fears, what’s needed is an inner certainty of being worthy of love — even, if necessary, without a partner. This requires a healthy sense of self-worth, and that is precisely what people with an insecure attachment style often lack. As a result, anxiously attached individuals tend to enter relationships far too quickly, Bodenmann explains.
“They try to create emotional bonding through sexuality.” Following the belief: “If I offer good sex, I’ll be loved, and my partner will stay.” Disappointment then becomes a frequent companion.
For those who are particularly anxious, Bodenmann therefore recommends weighing very carefully whom they get involved with. “They should choose cautiously, hold back a little sexually, and carefully test the emotional resilience of the relationship,” Bodenmann says. “Only then can they learn to sense whether they truly matter to someone.”
According to Bodenmann, insecure attachment and low self-esteem go hand in hand. Insecure people tend to avoid confrontation: they would rather say yes to everything — out of fear of losing the other person. People with a stable sense of self-worth and a secure attachment style cope better with separation. “Divorce places a heavy strain on our self-esteem. Securely attached individuals are able to regulate this pain and sense of loss more quickly,” says Bodenmann. “Those with insecure attachment remain hurt for longer and continue to carry conflicts with their ex-partner.”
Separations and other forms of trauma can continue to influence attachment style well into adulthood. While attachment style is relatively stable, it is not fixed forever. According to Bodenmann, it can change — even in a positive direction. For example, if a person with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style lives for many years in a secure and healthy relationship, this new experience can gradually “overwrite” the old attachment pattern.
“People with borderline personality disorder experience a very strong conflict between closeness and distance.”
(Borwin Bandelow, Emeritus Professor of Psychiatry and Psychotherapy at the University of Göttingen)
Psychiatrist, psychologist and anxiety researcher Borwin Bandelow is also convinced that people can change — something he has witnessed time and again. Bandelow is now retired, but he still works at the Clinic for Psychiatry and Psychotherapy at the University of Göttingen. In his experience, a man who has regularly changed partners for years can indeed still become a loyal, caring husband.
However, Bandelow says it is usually the case that one person loves more than the other, referring to a quote by Honoré de Balzac: “In every relationship, there is one who gets bored — and one who weeps.” Relationship fears, he explains, can be treated like other forms of anxiety: through confrontation. It becomes more difficult when an insecure attachment style is part of a personality disorder.
For example, people with borderline personality disorder believe they absolutely need a relationship, says Bandelow — “they experience a very strong conflict between closeness and distance.” In people with narcissistic personality disorder, the capacity for deep attachment is barely present. “They are desperate not to lose their partner, yet they repeatedly cheat. When they are then left, they completely fall apart,” Bandelow explains. And then there are men with Don Juan syndrome, who frequently change partners — they, too, are hardly suited for long-term relationships. “They need the thrill of a new beginning.”
At some point, however, it becomes necessary to question whether this attitude might be standing in the way of one’s own happiness — and how it can be changed. “For example, by increasing the chances of finding a partner who is a good fit,” says Bandelow. On dating apps, you might first come across “ten complete idiots” — but that’s simply something you have to accept.
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