I like who I am when I’m with you
A sentence with a lot of meaning. It expresses that when you’re with someone, you also feel comfortable with yourself. A strong testament to the partner.
But it also carries another layer of meaning.
Many people dislike others because being around them makes them uncomfortable with themselves — in a subtle, often unspoken way. What happens then is a kind of projection: the discomfort with oneself is shifted onto the other person, and it becomes easier to say, “I don’t like them.” In truth, the discomfort lies within. It is a quiet form of self-rejection that often goes unnoticed or is pushed aside, because facing it would require turning inward rather than looking outward.
Unfriendly people often dislike kind people, because their presence makes them aware of their own unfriendliness. This awareness unsettles their self-image.
As a researcher of underlying causes and as a therapist, I need to turn this truly beautiful sentence into questions:
Are there people who do not like themselves when they are with certain individuals?
Why do they stop liking themselves in those situations?
If someone likes who they are when they are with certain people, do they stop liking themselves when those people are no longer present?
What lies behind this shift?
These are the questions I would like to explore more deeply, using concrete examples.
That this sentence expresses far more than a banal statement is likely clear to many. People often project the “dislike” they feel towards themselves onto others. This mechanism can be described as a form of self-preservation based on the reduction of cognitive dissonance.
In my life, I have observed two distinct behavioural patterns. Some people avoid those whose way of being confronts them with a mirror image of themselves they do not like. Others seek compensation — they look for someone who can balance or offset exactly what they feel is missing or uncomfortable within themselves. Which path a person chooses, and why, can only be understood on an individual level. As a therapist, this is precisely what I would seek to explore and uncover.
Here, however, I would first like to give some examples:
People who struggle with decision-making often dislike those who move through life with ease and make quick decisions.
People with little curiosity — and therefore little drive — tend to dislike those who want to try everything in order to gain insight and understanding.
People who lack intrinsic motivation and endurance often dislike those who do not need external impulses to take action or initiate change.
People who give up quickly tend to dislike those who are persistent and therefore reach their goals.
People who avoid change — especially inner change — often dislike those who adapt well to situations and, over the years, develop wisdom.
Unfriendly people tend to dislike kind people.
People with a starving ego often dislike those who receive attention and applause for their achievements — particularly in professional contexts.
People who are overweight often feel uncomfortable around athletic, sporty individuals.
People who look for blame outside themselves tend to dislike those who remind them that we are, to a large extent, the architects of our own happiness, and that our inner attitude shapes how we perceive the world.
People who consistently choose the easiest path, the path of least resistance, often dislike those who are able to face obstacles and conflicts — including inner ones.
Vulnerability struggles with resilience.
A lack of self-confidence sees narcissists everywhere — or narcissists perceive offence everywhere.
In the end, the eye sees what it is looking for.
The question then arises why the eye searches — and finds. What kind of lack is at work here?
What do we project onto the other person that actually lives within ourselves? Why do we like ourselves more in the presence of certain people who do not challenge our self-concept? And which glimpse into the mirror of self-awareness do we avoid when we surround ourselves with those we like? How comfortable do we become when we start avoiding large numbers of people?
Do we perhaps give more love to animals because we are not truly able to give love to other people? Is this an inner form of absolution — a way of feeling better about ourselves? Does a kind person, simply through their way of being, reveal our own unkindness?
Are we surrounded by so-called “asshole angels” (as described by Robert Betz) — people who press exactly the buttons that hurt the most? And how quickly can those buttons be found and pushed?
What have YOU not changed that allows these wounds to keep repeating?
Reflecting on this text and attempting to answer these questions can, at times, hurt. A kind of hurt many people prefer to avoid — and with that, we find ourselves right back at the beginning.
Would you like to explore these questions together with us? Then get in touch.
We will walk alongside you for a while, if you allow us to.
Warm regards,
Caro and Gregor
Tags: Marriage counselling in Bad Hersfeld with Caro & Gregor. Couples coaching and life coaching in Hesse.
